Self Abuse

Self Abuse

There are many forms of “self abuse.” For me looking in the mirror and saying out loud “you are nothing, ugly, stupid, not worthy of anything, fat stupid nothing.”

This is a form of self abuse, self talk, the true belief that I was not worthy to breathe.

Over the years many aspects of self-abuse manifested. The self talk was the most damaging to me. The shattering childhood, left me with an empty soul. As a result of this, many opportunities that life had for me, I over looked, or thought/knew I wasn’t worthy of anything good.

Later in life, I had been sober a few years. I was so crazy busy, working full time a new husband, step children, my children. A 5 bedroom home, my oldest brother Jerry had passed away. Worrying about my mother who still lived with us. Trying so hard to make everyone happy. My health was getting worse. I had so much pain in my body. I recall cleaning my husband’s rental home; it was left in such a mess. There I was all alone feeling so overwhelmed, so full of dark pain. I had a sharp exactor knife in my hand, scrapping crap off the floor. Then an uncontrollable urge to cut myself with the knife came over me. I was knelling on the floor, watching my hand shaking holding the knife over my other hand, wanting to slash myself. Not sure how long I stayed like that. Pain confusion was all I felt, I don’t know what stopped me from cutting myself. But I didn’t, never told anyone until now! I understand self abuse; I know how the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness can wrap itself around you and make you do unthinkable damaging acts of violence to yourself.

you are not your pain