The fact that I became an alcoholic is not a big surprise. Booze was always a part of my life, my mother drank to great excess so did her boyfriend. Alcohol was one of the biggest reasons why my childhood from the age of 11 to 16 was taken away from me.

When I left home at the age of 16, I thought alcohol would not be a part of my life anymore. It wasn’t for many years.

My husband was a drinker when we first got together. As our relationship continued, he did not drink to such great excess. We had our girls, and raised our family without booze being the main character.

I started drinking at 29, as my marriage broke apart; the deep pain of failure came alive in me. Being in the work force, and not feeling good enough. Raising the children alone, faking happiness. Rage inside of me spinning and spinning.

I loved the taste, smell and of course how it made the darkness inside of me quiet. For a short time.

My mother had already sobered up by the time booze became my friend. She had embraced her new life with gratitude and grace. For me it added to my resentments, why did she not stop drinking for me? Anger, guilt for feeling this way was so confusing. Self-pity and a belly full of booze was not a pretty place for me are for anyone around me. For 6 years I fought with this love/ hate relationship with alcohol. It took me to such depth of despair. Made me do things, I would not of done sober. Shame, failure and not belonging. Feeling like a fake was me for way too long. Those feeling were always a part of who I was, but the whiskey amplified it. Along with my actions when I drank.

Now sober for over 10 years, I can truly say, I am grateful to be an alcoholic. You see it is strange, but If I hadn’t become a drunk. I would never have found the 12 step program. I might have stayed sober on my own, but I would have still been full of resentments and self-pity. The AA program for me started me on my journey to heal myself and to help others.

It has taken a long time for me to see this, but with all situations, it takes as long as it is suppose too!

don’t let the darkness be who you are