Teen PregnancyAlan Duhan was born March 5 1980, I was 16. He was born at 7 months and was only 2 lbs. when I delivered him. I saw him only for a few minutes, before he was rushed into the nursery, as he was very sick. My heart went soft and all time stood still, as I stared into my sons eyes, they were the biggest bluest eyes I have ever seen. Alan passed away 14 hours later; he was just too tiny and very sick.
I was 15 when I became pregnant. So many teenage girls become pregnant as there is a need to fill a deep hole inside of them. I was no exception, you see as the result of my family life, which was full of fear, chaos also a lack of love and guidance. I craved “normal”, not even knowing what that was. If I could be all that I craved to a child, then maybe just maybe I would be loved and safe. Crazy I know, but that is what I thought. So many of us, who had no guidance, trust in our lives, have a deep desire to have what does not exists for us.
Alan’s death was extremely traumatic, not only for the way I was treated in the hospital after his passing. It was the loss of hope crashing down on me and darkness, pain, failure and guilt was now cemented inside of me.
Alan was never discussed in our family, like he never was! So if he did not exist, then I did not. You see I DID NOT MATTER.
Over 20 years after my son passed, I finally put Alan to rest. I purchased a place for him at the crematorium. Wrapped him in his little yellow blanket he was supposed to come home with. He did exist Alan DID MATTER. I love you with all my heart and I will see you again Blue Eyes.